Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Benefits of Cancer

One night as I lay in bed, crossing my arms across my chest I suddenly felt something I had never felt before. A strange lump. It wasn't huge. It was about the size of a dime. I said aloud to my husband "oh my Gosh. I have a lump." I knew I better go get it checked. I have a strong  family history of cancer. Both of my grandparents died of cancer and I had an uncle die of cancer when he was just a few years older than me. I knew better than to sit and wonder about it. Within a few days I was in to see the doctor. After feeling my left Breast, who I have named  The LEFT Sister, to avoid saying the word breast (yes I know I am immature) the Dr. said most likely it's nothing but lets send you in for an ultrasound just in case. The next week I was in the radiology depart for an ultrasound. After looking at my scans the radiologist gave me the same answer the dr did. It's probably nothing but just in case come back in 6 weeks. 
6 long weeks later I was back for a second ultrasound. I calmly sat and reasured myself. I wasn't too nervous, after all these procedures were just in case and my Breast Specialist reassured me that the chances were extremely slim that someone my age had breast cancer. In his whole career (and believe me it was a long one. This guy was like 70 and he looked like he had just exited Auswich's concentration camp. I think his hips were skinnier than mine) he had only seen about 5 patients under the age of 30 with breast cancer. Once I was pulled into the radiologist office and explained to that the lump had grown my worry set in. No one would say the word but it was pretty obvious the rodioologist's concern was that the lump may be cancer. I left the radiologist shocked, numb, scared, and with numerous tests sceduled for the following week. All I could imagine was what my life would be like with cancer.

Although I was scared and felt like the Lord was delivering one final blow to my already beaten and barley breathing body somehow I was able to find light in a dark situation. 
My number one favorite way to deal with difficult situations is looking on the bright side and humor. I am always striving to keep situations light.  My wise mother told me that "if we can't laugh then we have to cry. I choose laughter."

Please understand that this is completely comical and my way of finding the sarcastic light in a less than ideal situation.I pray that this post does not offend anyone who is actually battling cancer.

Are there Benefits to having breast cancer? You bet! I thought of a bunch.

1. I could give myself this cool hair do for the 3 weeks it took my hair to fall out during the begining
of my Chemo treatments.

2. No need for laser hair removal! The toxic chemicals running through my body would get rid of any unwanted hair. Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

3. I can gaurentee my toilets would stay cleaner cause lets face it, when you are barfing and you stop just long enough to take a breath and you breath in dirty toilet fumes from dried bodily waste that just makes you want to throw up more.

4. My family might actually get a decent meal from all the loved ones offering to cook dinner.

5. Remember that extra 5 lbs I gained over the holidays?....GONE...Just like that. Oh, and that terrible appetite right before I start my period. Don't worry, everything will taste like metal. You probably wont want to eat ever again!

6. Many women going through chemo treatments stop having periods. Isn't this every menstrating women's dream?! Finally,my monthly wish that Mother Nature will forget her annoying little gift without bringing me a baby will come true!

7. No eyebrows? Well who needs them anyway! I can still show people how I feel. I just need an eyebrow pencil and I can draw them on. That will put a smile on people's faces! If I am mad I will draw eyebrows like these:

If I am overly happy I will draw eyebrows like these:
But please just remember to be patient because before I show any emotion I need to turn around, wipe off my already penciled on eyebrows, and draw the eyebrows that match my current emotion.

8. A lumpectomy? That will cost you 5 to 10 thousand dollars. Ooo! Maybe if I went and stole the Silicone displays from a plastic surgeons office they could just quickly insert them while they are already cutting into me?

9. If my nipples get taken in the process I could go have the same plastic surgeon I just lifted the implants from tatto them on. As a Mormon I couldn't think of a more legit reason to get a tattoo. Maybe I have writing around the outside or maybe I could have them tattoo smiley faces on there! Anyhow, it would be an awesome reason to say "You wanna see my tattoos?"

10. Well what about a mastectomy? You need to cut off my boobs? I am a mother who has breastfed her children... Boobs? Oh! You mean those things that dangle off my chest like shriveled raisins. Well hell I never liked those anyway! Good ridens, I say!

11. But they tell me I would loose my feminity without boobs. Faminity my (word my mother does not want me to say) I still have all the important female parts. Besides some men have boobs but that doesnt mean they are women. I could also flash anyone I wanted! Who hoo! Marti Gras here I come!!!

12. I might scare some kids with my hairless head. That's fine by me. Then I wont have to pretend that I am interested in what this total stanger of a kid is staying to me. Don't we all find some little children annoying every once in a while?

13. I would have a legit reason to excuse myself from those awkward and unwanted social situations and no one would give it a second thought or think I was rude. Oh, sorry I cannot not come watch your grandparents lawn bowling tournament or come to your nephews, counsins, friends, brother's basketball game I really don't think he would care if I showed up cause I dont even know him but the real reason I cant come is because I have to keep my white blood cell count up and YOU definately, without question, have germs

14. I could ask for whatever I want! Babe, I think I need a massage, a weekly pedicure and full set of nails. OR Oh, Officer Please don't write me a ticket. Can't you tell I am a cancer patient and have enough on my plate right now?! I might be dead tomorrow! So give me what I want... Pretty please of course.

15. I would have a pass from the world's worst chores. Sweetheart I would love to help you pull all of the disgusting gunk entagled with my hair out of the drain, help you unclog all those toilets filled with poopy water and scrub all those dishes that have been sitting in the sink for a week. Oh, but wait, I can't I have cancer. DARN, maybe next time.

16. Endless snuggles from my kids and husband cause they feel bad for me and want to bask in my presence.

17. I will stick out like a sore thumb in public with my bald head. Well at least I don't have to wash and blow dry my hair. Seriously, life's most annoying task! I could get a wig if I really wanted. Growing up my best friend's Grandma wore a wig. When a man that liked her tried to pay her a compliment in hopes that she would notice he was attracted to her, she said "Thanks! It Moves! and twisted her hair in a full circle to freak him out. You can bet I will be pulling that one on someone. I could wear a head wrap but to be honest, I think I would rather rock that bald head. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger and I wont let cancer take me down or lessen the image I keep of myself.

After two lumps, 5 ultrasounds, one mammogram, one very unclear diagnosis, 2 biopsies, 6 months of worrying and letting everyone and their mother see and man handle The Left Sister I am relieved to say that FINALLY I have a final diagnosis of a begnine mass that for some reason likes to grow. Guess I will be plunging those toilets after all. Thats ok though because it means I don't have cancer and I am happy to do it.

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